MY PAIN

Everyone has his own story of pain and sorrow. I too have mine, but that is of a different nature. When fortune favoured me, I got access to my master's feet and submitted myself entirely to His will. Soon I developed a peculiar state of mind which continued for a considerable period of time. After that I developed a feeling of impatience in me which persisted. It soon developed into a sort of restlessness and pain. After a time the pangs of it had aggravated so much that if anybody else, not in touch with spirituality, had it, he might have been inclined to commit suicide. But the feeling, ‘Let Thy will be done', which was deeply rooted in me, gave me courage and consolation to bear it.

I had that pain-longing, craving or restlessness, as one may be pleased to call it, so dear to my heart that for it I could sacrifice even thousands of lives of mine. I wish to have the same pain created in me again, which no joy or bliss can ever match. It had no parallel and for it one might be induced to forego even the bliss of paradise. I fear people might be led away to misunderstand it as a fit of lunacy. But dear brethren, all that a hungry man wants is loaves, and my entire structure was built up in that way. For this reason I eagerly wish this pain to be created in you all which shall be a source of satisfaction to me as well. Does it not thus become a part of your duty to see that I am satisfied in this respect? If one has got even an iota of devotion in him, he will feel naturally induced to take up what may promise me peace and consolation, after all my life's toil and unrest. It is one of the primary duties of a sadhaka.

People hanker after peace; so how can they be induced to take up restless longing for the realisation of the object? I may assure you that the charms of this restlessness are far greater than those of peace. Peace which people talk about may no doubt be a high attainment, of which an abhyasi experiences a taste during meditation. But that also reveals that there must be a central point of it. When restlessness reaches the climax it makes the beginning of peace. It may be. I fear lest some one should come forward to say that he has stepped into the field of spirituality, not for having pain and unrest but for achieving peace and tranquility. He may be right from his point of view; but from my point of view I would say that the former is for those alone who have their eyes fixed firmly upon Him, while the latter is for those who want only the enjoyment of the delights of the intoxication, so to say. This is not so very difficult to achieve but the attainment of the other i.e., ‘pain' is not of course any child's play. The greatest saints have passed away, ever thirsting for it. A good many of them must have tasted `peace' but let us now have a taste of that for a spark of which one might well forego a thousand states of peace and calmness. This is the foundation of the structure which helps to bring forth rare personalities into the world. I may also say that that is perhaps the best way of serving humanity, and a pursuer of this path cannot but be successful. It helps immensely the unfolding of the knots to clear the abhyasi’s way onwards.

But most of those coming to me for spiritual training seem to be eager to have peace and I have to comply with their craving. There are rare examples before me where the abhyasi was found to be really eager to have that sort of restless pain. In fact the real state of peace is that which is beyond comprehension and where there is nothing in contradiction to it. It may however be roughly denoted — not quite appropriately — as the `Peace of peace' or the essence of peace. A poet puts it thus:

Dardkaa hadsay gujarnaa hai davaa ho jaanaa

When pain passes the limits of intensity, it becomes its own cure.

This is in brief the story of my pain which I have perhaps related in painful words. I shall have the fruit of my labour only when your hearts get flooded with it so much that you may yourself become an ocean of pain. What does it come to, then? Neither pain nor restlessness; neither union nor separation; neither peace nor its opposite! It is only that for which we had developed pain. May my words which have come out from the deepest core of my heart produce the desired effect on you all! I may assure you that it is not at all difficult, for there is nothing difficult on the Divine path. A firm will coupled with undivided attention is all that is required. Every thing that you seek for shall then be found to be quite close to you, rather with you; nay, in fact you are yourself that which you seek. The only thing wanted for it is the burning heart which might burn down the weeds and bushes on the path. You are to be what you really are and pain is a proof of it, and restlessness its fore-runner.

I remained in that condition for more than forty days after which it changed its phase and assumed the form of inner peace inter linked with a peculiar feeling of restless impatience which persisted continuously for about twenty two years. In short, all my period of abhyas passed on in painful restlessness in place of peace and calmness which everyone craves for. But that was exclusively my share alone and none of my fellow associates partook of it in the least. I had in my heart a peculiar attraction for it. It is just possible I might have misunderstood the meaning of peace, thinking it to be a state of pain and restlessness. But since times are now changed and every one understands fully the actual meaning of peace, so they feel inclined towards it and crave for it. No such thought ever arose in my mind at any time, and I was thereby saved from a black mark against my name to show that I had induced my master to grant me ‘Peace'. Whatever I had was a boon to me for which I owe my greatest gratitude to my great master.

Let us now take into consideration the means by which we can develop that feeling in our heart. For that we must take into account the factors that are helpful in this respect as also others that serve to impede our progress on the path. The greatest obstruction on the path, as I could discover after a life's experience, is offered by our feelings of partiality and prejudice, which may be roughly assumed to be a type of ahamkara. It exists in numerous forms which are known to every body. To clarify my point I may take up an example. If a king thinks and repeats every moment that he is a king, it means he is adding round himself more and more layers of grossness and solidity, and in that case every one would be accusing him of arrogance and vain pride. When it surpasses the limits he gets transformed into a second Ravana, who along with his many heads had one of an ass which symbolized his foolish arrogance. It is really not for the king himself but only for others to regard him as a king. On his own part he is expected to be gentle and kind and a supporter of the weak and the poor. Then alone shall he be able to command the full respect of his people. One rises to prominence only when he thinks himself to be humble and low. Humility brings forth what arrogance cannot. One must, therefore, never part with this noble virtue, be he great or small, high-born or low-born, brahmana or sudra. God belongs to no caste, creed or society, hence there must be no difference between man and man on that basis. This is a godly quality and one must try to imbibe it within one's self. If instead we look down with hatred upon the low and small we swerve away from the path of duty or dharma. God resides within everyone, so there is no ground for treating anyone with hatred. This is one of the conditions which an abhyasi comes across during his march along the path. Kabir puts this idea nicely in one of his verses:

“The low-born having submitted themselves to the infinite grace of the Master have achieved emancipation, whereas the high-born being saturated with the pride of caste-superiority finally got themselves drowned”.

Everyone must therefore try to be free from this evil.

My lot is perhaps very miserable, for it is I alone who am held responsible for all the vagaries of an abhyasi. There are some among our associates who do not care to exert themselves in any way but expect me to do every thing for them by the exercise of my inner powers. They want that I must pull them up for satsangh! I must fix them up in their daily abhyas; I must set them firmly on the path and make them cross regions and stages, all by the force of my will and powers. They do not like to do anything themselves by way of adjusting their ways of living or moulding their habits, or even doing and practicing as they are told to. But in spite of all this they have only to blame me for all their backwardness and lack of progress; and I too, on account of my peculiar nature, begin to feel like that. I therefore try to thrust into them what seems best in each case, even without their care or co-operation. In one or two cases the abhyasi has gone so far as to blame me for not giving him higher approaches all at once. Can such a thing ever be expected anywhere else? Certainly not, I am sure. Why then is it so here? It may perhaps be due to my being over-indulgent in this respect. How far it can be justified, I leave it to your own judgement. In this connection I know of an instance which I quote here. A great saint once being deeply impressed by the devoted services of one of his disciples bestowed upon him his full grace all at once, transforming him completely like his own self. The result was that by the time the transmission was over the man began to breathe his last. Now suppose, by the Master's grace, I have that power and I may even exercise it with all the necessary precautions to safeguard the abhyasi’s life, it will then be a matter of a second no doubt; but of what avail shall it be to him, as the state thus thrust in will not be cognizable to him, since he has till then been accustomed to the conditions of the lower plane only. Consequently he may not be able to take it into account at all. Ordinarily, to a common man, the highest pursuit is the attainment of peace, while the aforesaid condition is far beyond. The result will be that he takes a considerable time to have it fully manifested. It is also possible that not having the patience to wait so long he may break off during the time, thinking that he has been deceived. However, if the condition is instantly brought into full swing, there is then the danger of his nerves being shattered and that may, in other words, amount to deliberate murder for the sake of sending one to Heaven.

There can also be another alternative. It is that the mind may be brought to a disciplined state in an instant. I had once practiced it on one of the highly advanced abhyasis only for a second, with the lightest touch, together with all necessary precautions. The result caused was exactly as desired and to the extent I actually wanted. But his heart remained overburdened with the effect for more than a month and a half. Consequently during all that period I had to keep a very close eye upon him lest his heart give way. I did this, having been moved by his intense devotion, shielding him at the same time from every risk and danger, and it was he alone on whom such an experiment could have been tried. I however regret to say that none else has so far offered me sufficient inducement to act similarly in his case. On my part I am ever over-desirous to give you all the greatest by way of spiritual lift and in the minimum possible time. If you advance even one step onwards, I am over-zealous to advance four steps towards you.

I am reminded of the words of Swami Vivekananda saying, “The human form, longing for moksha and association with an elevated soul, is a difficult job to secure”. It is no doubt exactly so. There are of course very few who really crave for moksha or any higher aim. But the longing of the type which may amount to intense craving is still more difficult, and rare too. But even intense craving for the Goal may not alone be of much avail unless one has got closely attached to one of the highly elevated souls. Now suppose this also is there, even then one thing remains wanting therein, and that is the abhyas or the practice. Thus all these factors having come together may alone be helpful in the realisation of the final object. This is the well- considered opinion of all the great saints.

There is yet another difficulty with me. I am by nature over- indulgent and highly susceptible to external pressure, with the result that I am not able to reject requests for favour or help if they are not otherwise objectionable in any way. This may be counted as one of my defects but I have my own reasons for it which I do not like to divulge, though at the bottom of my heart I wish you all to have a taste of it yourself. Let this defect therefore be mine and remain confined to me alone. As a matter of fact whatever one wants of me in connection with his spiritual enterprise I feel inwardly induced to do my best for it, and impart to him what he desires. For example, most of the people coming to me seem to be eager to have peace; so in compliance with their wishes I do transmit to them accordingly. I am thus compelled to give them doses of peace, withholding the pursuance of the real objective which is thus considerably delayed. I can not therefore go on freely with their spiritual training on strictly spiritual lines.

During my leisure hours I remain mostly busy with cleaning the abhyasis under my training, in order to develop in them the remembrance of God all through, and this service is for me a substitute for God's worship, hence my foremost duty. But that is a very tedious job and requires quite a long time which might perhaps exhaust the patience of the abhyasi. As a general rule one does not feel much interested in meditation when the cleaning process is being effected, or when impressions and bondages are being loosened, which is in fact the only effective course and one greatly helpful to his sacred cause. But while I proceed on thus, I have to make allowance for his craving for peace and satisfaction as well, which he wishes for and values most. For this reason when he does not feel interested in meditation while receiving this type of transmission from me, he thinks it to be of no avail and consequently drops off from satsangh. The proper course should have been that after having judged fully the capability of the teacher and finding him quite up to the mark, he should trust him and follow him, leaving every thing to him. He should not dictate terms for the ways and lines for his spiritual training, because the teacher alone can understand what is best for the abhyasi.

Often, some of the abhyasis complain that during their individual practice they do not have the same amount of calmness and absorption as they have while sitting with me. That is but natural, since their main objective is the attainment of peace and not of realisation. Besides if I take the privilege of asking them how long and how often they practice at home, it will be clear that in most of the cases they do not practice even for an aggregate period of one hour during a whole week. Certain sansthas advise meditation for six hours a day or even more, with the rest of the time devoted to satsangh, whereas I advise only for an hour in the morning and another hour in the evening. But even for this they offer excuses saying that they do not get time, or they do not feel absorbed during meditation. They can however discover the reason themselves. But if they like I can tell them that this is due to lack of interest and devotion in them. If one feels inwardly devoted to God, meditation becomes a part of his duty and then there is no question of inclination or lack of absorption.

Often people put forward excuses for not being regular with their practice of meditation, saying that they are faced with worries, troubles and engagements. They mean thereby that they can continue their practice of meditation only when they are free from all distractions. What they really expect is that I should exercise my power or will to extricate them from out of their worries and troubles and set them on the path. Then alone will they be prepared to follow and practice. I have, however, no defense to offer since I could not set an example for it. All that I mean actually to lay stress upon is that people must get awakened to the sense of duty. I undertake to attend to my part of the duty while they should look to their own. They must stick to their practice and then see whether they gain thereby or not. But the practice must be supplemented with the feelings of love and devotion. To tell you the feelings of my heart I may say that all that I possess — thanks to my master — I am ever ready to bestow lavishly upon him who offers to prepare himself for having it. But so far none seems to have come up to have his bowl filled up to the brim. I have often offered to the abhyasis to rob me of all that I have, and to give me in return that which they have. Fair exchange is no robbery. Let us now see what it is that is theirs. Obviously those having in mind the story of Raja Janak and Ashtavakra would at once conjecture that it must only be the mind. But I do not mean that, since it may be possible only for men like Raja Janak to give away the mind and for Ashtavakra to accept it. I am not Ashtavakra to venture it. In fact what is theirs is that which they have so far accumulated as their belongings in the form of samskaras. In Reality at Dawn I have stated that most often people enter the Master's sphere having with them all their belongings, causing thereby considerable delay. Belongings are the things of their own creation which they are deeply engrossed in. God is completely free and devoid of everything, so one can join Him only when one also becomes so. I do not like to prolong the subject further. You are all wise and learned and can understand your duties well.

The glory of God is reflected only in the heart which is pure like a mirror. May God grant you all the capacity to come up to it to solve your problem of existence.

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MY EXISTENCE

My life is not a life in the literal sense. If I call it as a state of being, it is then an eternal existence. If it is something beyond, then call it by whatever name you like. Now when it is so, my Consciousness can be revived only when a shock is applied to it. But few perhaps might yet be capable of applying that shock though I believe it must develop when the time comes. The capacity can be acquired only by developing absorption in the inner state, or by negativing one's self to the greatest extent so as to become like ‘Dead in the hands of a dresser'.

The state begins from trusting and believing, in the sense that everything coming from the master is agreeable and acceptable as the very right thing. But so far it is only a physical approach or, in other words, only a set-up for the foundation of an edifice, to appear subsequently as faith. At a lower level it appears in a crude form with the idea of self-elevation in the background. This too is not after all bad since something may be better than nothing. When this feeling firmly settles in, losing its conscious knowledge, it is then the beginning of real faith. Having built up faith in that manner one is then moving actually in the footsteps of the master, imbibing all that the master has within himself. This, being a rare attainment, may be gained by only a few, but that does not mean that one should on that ground give up his efforts for it. People usually remain held up because of their thoughts related to the self, the family, and the society. They go on making plans after plans for their action but they never care to improve or mend the condition of the mind. Will it not be in their greatest interest to divert their attention to this point? It is no doubt good to serve the cause of others but better would it be to look to one's own moral uplift first. In this way the mental equilibrium will be restored, to help one immensely in all enterprises. This may be counted as one of the greatest gifts of God. God's grace sets into motion for him who makes himself deserving of it. It is therefore of utmost importance for every one to look to his own making, with a living Consciousness in his heart of the Ultimate Object he means to aspire for.

Now what sort of man should a seeker be, is the next question. He should be one who is blind to the charms of the world, is inspired with one object and one purpose, and thinking all the while of that alone which may be helpful to him in the attainment of the ideal. Such a seeker shall never fail to seek out a master worthy of the job. Such a seeker can never be led away by the flow of irrelevant thought. He remains firm on the right path holding fast to his Sadhana. He is prompted by an intense longing and always remains in search of better means to speed up his progress. His own internal light helps him a great deal on the path. This is the key to success which has been so much stressed upon by sages. In short, all that is required for sure success is intense longing, together with proper means and earnest endeavours.

How may it be possible for an abhyasi to advance up to negation and even beyond that? It may be, in the first place, by the kind grace of the master who might himself have attained that state. But, for that the abhyasi must develop in himself intense love and devotion which might induce the master to bestow his Grace.

One of the essential things necessary for the achievement of negation is the growth of intense craving amounting to restless impatience, combined with sincere love and devotion. When the feeling of love is there in the heart, restlessness must come in by itself. The difference in degree may not be of much account in this respect since it may grow more and more in course of time. But what can be said of those who even get annoyed and irritated whenever a harsh or reprimanding word is used for them? That may be a clear indication of the fact that they do not like to free themselves from their egoistic feelings. It is just possible that they might be under the impression that to put them on the right path, and to give them higher approaches, forms a part of my duty towards them. It may be so to some extent, but then at the same time they must also bear in mind that they are to make themselves deserving for it. I feel concerned with everyone of you but only to the extent that it lies within the limits of my essential duties. I induce everyone to try for the nullification of self, but they do not care to take into view even its elementary steps, and I have to put up with it. I speak of it in very guarded words lest someone might get annoyed.

I must assert that God alone is the giver of negation and of all higher approaches beyond that. But for myself I may assure you that all that I have got was from my dear master alone, though I am thankful to God as well for having moulded my tendencies towards him. The method for securing God's help is the same as that of seeking the master's help. This has also led me to direct love of God which may be known to be one of the greatest boons. Only a few perhaps have been able to follow this course, though it is of the highest value and efficacy. An abhyasi, while intensifying his craving (lagan), must at the same time be at least as submissive to his guide as a school boy is to his teacher, and it is also an essential part of his duty. The guide does not thereby gain anything for himself but it is the abhyasi who profits by it and increases his capacity. A real guide is never eager for fame or honour, and there are examples of saints who have often courted general disrespect by adopting outwardly, at times, things derogatory to their position. There is one such instance related about Kabir which helped him to get free from the association of his false followers.

I wish you all to acquire, during my lifetime, the highest approach beyond, or at least the state of thorough negation. It is not so very difficult under the efficient system of Sahaj Marg. I strongly affirm that such a masterly type of spiritual training cannot be had anywhere but in our sanstha which runs under the kind grace of my great Divine Master. It is certain that the followers of such a highroad to Divinity have ever been few at all times and in all yugas. Only those who are destined for liberation are attracted to it with eagerness and zeal.

In the present age there are a few who are true seekers, even of liberation, for people generally do not think the aim worthwhile in comparison with the charming attractions of material wealth and prosperity. The wrong inducements offered by roaming sadhus and sanyasis have further enshrouded our understanding with false notions of the grossest physical type, and have pulled people down to solid (gross) forms and practices.

People get firmly engrossed in them. It is beyond their power and capacity to get out of the condition and to mould themselves to the right course. It would have been far better if they had done nothing at all for the purpose so that they could have offered themselves to a real guide when the opportunity came. A piece of raw wood is much better than a piece of crude furniture which is almost impossible to transform into the proper, desired shape. The degradation on this account is almost complete, and ungodly things and ways have come to be treated as pious and godly. Nature's stern eye is therefore now directed towards it with full force, and what may come to pass in the near future may be quite beyond common conception. As a rule Nature never interferes with the working of one whom it has endowed with its powers to act in accordance with the need of the time. Whatever working in this connection lies to my charge is all tempered with Nature's kindest grace in subjecting me completely to my master's will and command. For that reason it is now only the master's orders that are awaited in this connection.

There is yet another difficulty for me and it is that most of my time remains occupied with you all, on account of which I do not get sufficient time to devote to the godly work of a general nature. But who are those who keep me thus unnecessarily occupied? They are mostly those who have not in them the least craving for the Divine, in the true sense. If they only manage to ‘submit' in the proper sense, much of my time can be saved. No doubt they want to have it, but they do not want to devote themselves to it with love and devotion, though I for my part do not mind this in the least, since I feel myself ordained to it. If they only take pity on me for all my services, even then I may have a chance to save some of my time to devote myself to other affairs. If an abhyasi makes himself as he must, he by himself will begin to draw it out of me.

The attainment of complete negation means vacuumisation up to its farthest limit, though complete vacuum can never be possible under any circumstances. The forgetful state of negation may however be taken as total negation. It is immensely forceful, as is not even possessed by the great avatars. The great power thus acquired cannot be challenged even by gods like Brahma, Vishnu and Mahesh. That is the usual course followed under our system, Sahaj Marg. By gradual steps an abhyasi begins to proceed towards vacuumisation from the very beginning. But, for this purpose a proper guide is absolutely essential.

It is definite that a person having been bestowed with that highest approach, is in complete subjection to the will of God. The Divine will, through the medium of his guru, works in him every way to this extent that he cannot be away from it even for a moment. In other words he is completely under the charge of his master. Such a man alone as can give himself up completely to his master is possibly worthy of that highest approach. But this too is after all the beginning of the state of limitlessness, which is to be entered into after this In short, how far one has yet to go on cannot be determined in any way.

Even after negation has been achieved, there yet remains much to cover, for which even millions of years might be too short. It is very difficult to determine exactly what and where the end may be. People may not be inclined to accept that statement. They might say that since I represent non-being as real Being, it is all in vain and void. They may be justified to some extent since one, in the being, cannot entertain the idea of non-being. It however refers only to a faint reflection of non-beingness. The fact is that while in a state of non-being if one does not bear any reflection of that condition, then it can be taken as the perfection of the state of negation. But they may be beyond common understanding of even the greatest saints.

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I am perfectly sure that you are a true gentleman. So if anyone requests you to do something for him, and if by doing that there is no loss to you as well, I think you will certainly agree to it. It is also a part of human duty. Hence I request you for it and I hope you will accept my request which shall be of advantage to me and of no loss to you. You do not do puja and I too do not, in the sense in which I ask you to do. Hence both of us are at par in this respect and equal sinners as well. You say that you must feel something to induce you to do puja. But since I too do not do any puja, I request you for my sake, to think continuously for about half an hour that I am meditating upon God in the prescribed manner. Dear brother, can't you take up this little service for my sake? I do hope that you will definitely oblige me by accepting my request. Your peevish temperament which you complain of, is due to the effect of ripples rising in your heart. When the water becomes calm these things melt away.

“Apnee maujoan main dilay jaar jaraa doob ke dek
thoo hee thoo hogaa na dariya na kinaara hogaa.”

“O, though weeping heart! Dive deep into your own waves and behold that thou alone shalt then be there. Neither the river nor the banks will be there”.

I have retired from service and now I am henceforth a servant of the Lord whose service alone is really paying and rewarding. I wish you all to keep up the relationship of love linked up with Him. You also wish for the same and it is quite good. If fortunately this wish ever slips down to join with the original source, then there would be the end of every wish. This relationship is to be developed further and the practices are all meant only for that end. When our wishes are directed towards this mortal world, they are ruinous. When their flow is diverted towards the other world they are sure to enliven us. You want my prayers for your steadiness, which can reach you only through words, oral or written. But I wish to convey to you the jewel necklace of my heart studded with the pearls of the tearful eyes. May it create a tempest within you. Tempest here refers to the waves of the river which verily returns to the sea some day.

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